The Man Without A Past

Today's topic will be somber, but hopefully more depth than depressing. It is always better to push forward, to be hopeful, and to strive for things that are better. The last few days I've found various reminders of how my past and my upbringing were more of a mirage than actual substance. I think that I have been true to myself and genuine in embracing the things that evoke a sense of "life" and living (ever learning of course), but a look back at my surroundings reveals a shallow, almost fictitious world.

In a sense, it is good to have these realizations and these emotions, because I want to strive for things on my own accord without a well-ordered life handed to me on a silver platter (or silver spoon). Moreover, I'd much rather have a real cognizance of how life works instead of a facade that appears organized but yields no depth. I feel my college years are an appropriate demonstration of my willingness to create my own path and embrace depth.

Yet my return to California forced me to move back into the shallows of life, the shallowed history of my past, and the standing puddles of status-quo. I am reminded of the lengths that people go to protect their "comforts" and have fallen into too many of these patterns myself. In one sense, these last few years have provided me with various examples of how *not* to behave, I find my self with too few models of True Living. In many ways I must relinquish my past, for it only holds bad habits, incomplete examples, and one-dimensional portraits.

It will not be easy to transition back into the full-color, fast-paced adventurous life, as I'm working from a standstill and trying to reassimilate myself into the flow that is the "Roaring Twenties." It is both sobering and saddening to realize that many things that I used to hold as meaningful symbols of my past are little more than cheap imitations of the life I was able to find in college, and the life that we hope to recapture moving forward. The sting of harsh reality will fade as good memories are created over the next several months, but it's tough to get through the "Out With the Bad" phase so we can proceed to the "In With the Good."