Random Thoughts, Part 357

Today's reason I love my wife: I'm trying to build momentum networking after a good presentation at ND, and she's been talking to her classmates about best practices. One guy said to her, "You seem surprised at his actions and passions." Her response? "Well, yeah. He's kind of been a sleeper cell."

When she relayed this info to me over the phone, I asked her if we should rejoice that I'm no longer sleepwalking through life or worried that I'm displaying terrorist tendencies. Faaaantastic! :)

~~~

Now that I have some perspective, I can honestly say there was never a night at ND or Indianapolis (and now Atlanta) where I fell asleep thinking "man, I wish I was living in California." Oh, I'd spend some time thinking "I wish there was semblance of warmth outside" or "I miss being near (insert individual name here)." I spent many days thinking about living in NC and Atlanta, and Atlanta's turned out to be a good thing so far. I wonder what it means if tonight I fall asleep thinking about living in Rome -- this isn't the first time for that either...

Husbands, Love Your Wives...

...and no, I don't think that's Paul's endorsement for polygamy.

I enjoy tradition, but you might also notice I'm a bit of a nonconformist. I'm not one to wax on with regards to politics or religion on this blog, but I do have my opinions, and given the appropriate time and audience, I have no problem sharing my beliefs and opinions.

Well, dear audience, welcome to the opinionated portion of the show.

During this time of transition, I've had occasion to explain to some people the motivations and rationale behind our recent and continuing life decisions. Most of these conversations begin/continue because people ask the right questions -- a genuine desire to know more about my passions and vision as well as future opportunities for The Philosophress. With the church-going crowd (family, friends, and acquaintances alike), I feel like many big questions go unasked and unanswered. Among them:

The Philosophress is selling out and getting her MBA as a giant money grab, isnt she?

Living across the country must be terrible situation, and temptations must abound -- why didn't you put your foot down and tell her to stay at home and go to grad school closer to you, or at least take the first job that came up so you two could be together?

Aren't you "settling" with your career path because The Philosophress is so opinionated about advancing her career?

Why aren't you two living life like the Bible teaches?


Wow, I'm glad so many good questions were put out there on the table. Because this is my space, I'll go about answering them one at a time.


The Philosophress is selling out and getting her MBA as a giant money grab, isnt she?

In a word, no. I never really thought much about a person pursuing an MBA as a money-chaser, but then again, I'm not like most folks. While it's fair to say that everyone continues to evolve, grow, and learn throughout life, I'm more impressed with the woman I've married than ever before. I see her earnest desire to acquire wisdom (different than knowledge) that equals or surpasses many of her colleagues. I see an acute and strategic vision of where she wants to go and who she wants to be.

Funny thing is, none of that is tied to income. The Philosophress wants to help people who are unable to help themselves. At different points during her MBA career, she committed her energy, time, and talents to research, contribute, or advance the following endeavors:

- streamline a local startup that takes juvenile delinquents and tutors them through trade schools like ITT Tech, with a graduation rate of over 90%
- connect with a non-profit that challenges prison inmates to develop business plans side-by-side with MBA students to ease the prisoners' reintegration into society
- take a friend's desire to startup a non-profit and develop a business plan, create a braintrust of fellow MBA students, and research best practices

She has countless other stories, each one seemingly more astounding to me than the last. I am constantly struck by the amount of *good* that is possible with her connections, passion, and education. Even in her full-time business consulting job after graduation, if she's put on a project that shows a production company how to conserve 10% of their resources through better practices or improve employee quality of life, isn't this *good* beyond simple profit/loss metrics?

I am awestruck by the incredible possibilities before her because of her MBA degree. In the past I have been content to focus my efforts at the local level -- how I could volunteer or help a few individuals. How amazing to have a wife who looks alos at the grand picture and tries to use her skills to help hundreds, if not thousands, of others. One of my favorite quotes recently is from a CEO of a for-profit business that develops self-powered radios and other similar devices for the third world, outperforming traditional tech companies by lightyears: "I could work in a soup kitchen to give back to society, but it would not be the best use of my skills."


Living across the country must be terrible situation, and temptations must abound -- why didnt you put your foot down and tell her to stay at home or go to grad school closer to you?

Actually, the exact opposite is true. Living together in California was a dysfunctional experience for us (the details of which aren't important for this discussion, but I'm happy to explain in another venue). The Philosophress had a competing offer from a grad school closer to California, but I encouraged her to pursue her education at Duke, knowing their curriculum was a much better fit for her long term goals. It's amazing what happens when we make the right long-term decisions -- the interim details turn inconsequential compared to the magnificent opportunities. I confess the long-distance relationship was difficult at times, but over time our resolve and confidence increased, knowing we had made a wise decision. In the end, it has afforded us with a path that is both exciting and decidedly our own. I'm sure I'm not alone among husbands in admitting I've made some unfortunate decisions, but this is one of the moments where I got it right. The Philosophress has done a great deal to give us both such an amazing chance to try something daring, exciting, and life-altering, and I wisely encouraged the road less traveled.


Aren't you "settling" with your career path because The Philosophress is so opinionated about advancing her career?

A funny thing happened when we moved to California for my job: there were congratulations all around and an expectation that we'd fall nicely into the rhythm of married life. Because I was the one to initiate a relocation to California, that was somehow more conventional and acceptable. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell us, and the next two years ended up being probably the most tumultuous, confusing, and painful of our young married lives. Only now am I discovering and working toward a career path that makes sense for my natural talents, and there's still quite a bit of learning I have to do. While she does have opinions and passions about her career, we've both learned that when I feel pressure (internal or external) to have a "responsible" career that I forego more essential pieces of my identity -- church community/involvement, ND alumni activities, PR/web stuff, humor, recreational sports, my sense of adventure...the list goes on. It's good that The Philosophress has strong career opinions that benefit in the short-term from a nice salary -- there are grad loans to repay, there are exciting career challenges to meet, coworkers to learn from, positive impacts to make, and friends in distant cities to visit! Remember The Philosophress' focus and vision I mentioned above? That's a good thing to lean on right now, because she's been shaping and honing those talents at a very high level. If I can find a place where I can advance my own self and career, why would I want to squash the strong opinions of The Philosophress? If "leadership" is the criterion, look at me "leading" the way to settling in Atlanta. Unless of course, what you're really asking is...


Why aren't you two living married life like the Bible teaches?

I mentioned at the outset that I like tradition, but I'm a nonconformist. I like my status as a unique person, and I was (and still am) drawn to The Philosophress' unique passion and individualism. The Bible talks about marital submission and husbandly leadership, and sometimes I wonder if the Church has taken these principles and in certain instances applied them beyond their intended meaning. (And yes, I have had separate conversations in which this specific question has come up).

I'm happy to discuss dogma, but that's not the point of this post. Scripture, and its interpretation, contains topics with many slippery slopes. I get the feeling that this last question arises because our lives look a bit different from traditional American Christianity or social convention. Jesus talks in the Gospels about living a full life, and Scripture is filled with passionate and authentic (and imperfect and developing) characters -- all intent on making a world of difference.

I'll be the first to admit imperfections and inadequacies -- no sense in hiding the truth -- and I'm working to improve my areas of weakness. But I'm learning sometimes the best solutions are as resonant as they are unorthodox...and that's not a bad thing. Maybe business professionals *can* do some good after all...recent events have certainly sifted out those who are just in it for the profit. Maybe cultivating individuality keeps relationships fresh and exciting, and maybe both men and women can develop identities beyond job titles and relational roles. Maybe as I grow into the best person I can be, and The Philosophress grows into the best person she can be...maybe that's where the best marriage is. That's what we're shooting for, and I think God smiles on that.