Stream of Consciousness Alert

Lots of stuff tumbling around in the ol' cabeza. Haven't really been writing on this thing for a while -- doing my best to avoid life and connection, with a few significant exceptions.

I finally discovered several weeks ago what my personality bent/inclinations are (a loooong way from many of the ways I act judging by the fact that finding my true personality required 4 years of searching), and how right/wrong labeling has been layered over my inherent wants & desires (some of it piled on by others, some I've reinforced my own). So now I get to choose which layers to painfully peel/scrape/pry away, and which to ignore. The upside is that I can look at some stuff inside me and say "this is ok, and I need this to be more present in everyday life." The downside is that I've been used to operating with a set of rules and guidelines concerning myself, and while the current self-imposed mentalities cause stress, anxiety, and irresponsibility, risking reinvention is sort of like opening Pandora's Box. As always, the interplay between freedom (with authenticity) and responsibility (with dependability) is alive and well.

It's hard to shake the feeling that I've been inherently dishonest with myself--who I really am and what I really want. I don't know what to make of people who have encouraged me in my dishonesty--praising or esteeming attributes that I have now come to resent, because they're external restrictions. I don't know what to do with people who have befriended someone who's really an amalgam of repressed wants and externally imposed traits. Will there be enough vestiges left over that still capture the essence of the original friendship?

Of course, this has practical implications, like how I function in my job (and the ways I fall short, requiring more effort, work, and thought) or finding myself unable to muster the emotional confidence to explain to friends why I fail to show up for lifetime celebrations (read: weddings) even though I know I need to.

So at some point I have to somehow tell people "this is who I am now," only it seems more of a process than a destination. But everyone else seems contented or stable enough to say "I'm still who I used to be" and I don't know where that leaves me. A very large part wishes that I could just be consistent, that would be somehow "better" or "more noble" than what I face now. Moreover, I struggle to reconcile this quest for change within myself, and I don't know how to explain it to others if they've been honest with themselves and don't need similar introspection.


As always, there are deadlines. I have until the end of the year to figure out how to make some significant changes for the better, which is nice considering my current propensity to distract myself into inaction and let life pass me by. Stress by breaking out of the mold and trying something new, better, different? Or stress by maintaining the status quo and waiting for the same old results?